Saturday, October 12, 2013

A Letter and List to My Boys

Dear, B, W, and J,

I hear you playing video games up in your "Man Cave".  It is a brief moment where you are genuinely getting along and dorking out together.  In five minutes, that could easily change and I will probably hear the word "idiot" or maybe "moron" called.  Then I'll have to do the mom thing of telling you to be nice and stop using those words.  Right now though, I will sip my coffee and enjoy the moment of camaraderie.

Sometimes you think you can't stand having brothers and you wish you were only children.  That's normal.  I tell you a lot that you need to try to appreciate each other (even in small moments) because the three of you are together for life.  God willing, you will all grow up and carve out beautiful patches of life.  You will support each other, annoy each other, laugh together, make fun of mom and dad, and see each other grow.   I also hope you will continue to help those who can't help themselves and I hope that, when you see your brother(s) go down a bad path, that you will shine the light to help him back.

Your grandmother told me that parenting is the one relationship where the end goal is separation.   Every other relationship is built to keep the parties together.  With parenting though, we are working towards that goal of seeing you move on one day and need us less in your day to day.   That's a tough pill to swallow.  I think there is a balance we strive for though.  We want you to spread your wings and fly, but we also want to build strong bonds so that you will fly back home sometimes and spend time with family.

Before you fly this nest though, there are some things that I want to make sure all three of you know how to do.  These are not necessarily things that will get you into a good college or help you find the right job.   This list is much more important.  If you can master this list, I will feel like my job as a parent is complete (Dad too).  Some of these you've mastered already, some you are starting to learn, and some you will learn.  We will probably add on to this list as we go so be ready for that.

The List
(in no particular order)

Laundry - you need to know how to do your laundry and keep up with it.  The keeping up with it is the tricky part.

Basic cooking - you are already learning this one but need to expand a bit.   Your adult life should not consist solely of Ramen and fast food.

Changing the oil in the car - Dad added this one.

Understand all that is involved in taking care of a pet (i.e. family member) and being able to make that decision completely before taking one into your home on a permanent basis.  You all have learned this just in the short time we have been fostering.   It warms my heart to see you love these animals who desperately need love.

Creative outlet - understanding why you need it and what yours is going to be.  FYI - if you take after me at all, the outlet changes from day to day.

Know how to throw and catch a ball - this one may solicit an eyebrow raise from some people.  I don't expect my boys to be sports stars.   I think everyone should know how to throw and catch a ball, even if they never do anything with it.   Boys and girls alike.  It is just one small way to foster dexterity and it will come in handy from time to time.  It might make gym class more tolerable during early years.

Know how to ride a bike - similar to the goal above.  A good skill to have.

Treat others the way you want to be treated - pretty self explanatory.

Don't let the world harden your hearts.  All three of you have warm hearts and show them in different ways. Keep those warm hearts and do something with the kindness and compassion you have.  On occasion B, maybe show that kindness and compassion to W.   Don't look at me like that, you know why I'm saying that.

Treat the women in your life as kindly and respectfully as Dad treats me.  Seriously.   I know you see how he treats me - nothing but love and adoration and kindness and respect.  He treats his mother, mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-law, aunts, etc. the same way.  The three of you already treat the important women in your life this way.  As you grow up and date, I expect the same.   Be that wonderful man.

Expect the women in your life to treat you equally kindly and respectfully.   They should treat you the way I treat your Dad - I adore him and show him that regularly.   This doesn't mean you act like a jerk -- the whole "treat 'em bad so they want you more" is BS (I know you will giggle because I used that term - you aren't allowed to use it, but it fit this scenario).   This just means that you are worthy of kindness, love, and respect.  If a girl you really like treats you callously or demands ridiculous things from you, she is not a girl you should have in your life.  You don't have to put up with ugliness just because she is pretty.  When you end things with this type of girl, you still owe her respect and kindness during and after the split.

Learn and use proper grammar and spelling.  Seriously.  You might not remember every little thing there is to know about proper grammar, but make a concerted effort on a regular basis.

Enjoy and respect nature.  When you feel beat down or bored by life, find the one thing in nature that calms you and brings you joy.  Enjoy it.  For me, it is the mountains that reinvigorate me.   Find your thing.

Never miss an opportunity to let someone know you appreciate them.   Time is fleeting.   Let the important people know they are important to you.  You three are of the utmost importance to me.

Surprise people sometimes.  Maybe it is a gift or a surprise visit.   Maybe it is a moment in time where you step outside of your comfort zone and shine.

Declutter and keep things somewhat clean.   Clearly I am not one obsessed with cleaning, but you should take some pride in your home and maintain a basic level of cleanliness.   I don't think I will look back on my life and wish I cleaned more, but I also don't need the neighbors to complain about "the smell".   Find a good balance.

Practice good hygiene.   I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't be the smelly kid.  Brush your teeth without being told (J, I am looking at you and your seven year old self).

Be you.   Don't follow the pack.  Be who you want to be.  As long as you are coming from a place of honesty and truth, we will love you and support you unconditionally forever.  Anyone who doesn't accept you, isn't worthy of being in your extraordinary life.

Be there for your brothers.   Always.

Call your mother at least once a week.

Be a good friend.

Find the path in life that feels good to you, makes you happy, and has a positive impact on this world.   College will help give you more opportunities, but I honestly will not be disappointed in you if that is not the path you choose.  No matter what you choose to do, do your best.  If there is a period of time where you have to do something you don't love to get to the thing you really want, still do your best.   Find ways outside of that to keep doing something you love.  If you have that balance, things are usually okay.   Don't give up on your dreams and don't be afraid to change your dreams, if that is what your heart wants.

If your priorities have work above family and friends, you need to rethink your priorities.

Find regular exercise that you like to do so that you will continue to do it.  Don't use me as an example on this one.  Do as I say, not as I do...(I know, I know).

Give back.   As a family, we have chosen to give back to animals in need.   Find what ignites your soul.   Always find a way to give back to someone in need.

Learn to live simply.   Don't be consumed by material possessions.   It is absolutely fine to like "things", but don't make that your priority.

B and W, stop biting your nails.   J, cut yours more often.

Read.   Enjoy reading.   If you have kids one day, read to my grandchildren.

Stand up for people and animals who are being treated poorly or unfairly.  It might not be the popular thing to do, but it is the right thing to do.

Seek out God in the way that feels right to you.   Fulfill your soul.   I firmly believe there are many paths to God.  It is a personal relationship and only you and Him know what's the best way for you to feel close.

Finally, don't take life (or yourself) too seriously.  Laugh a lot.  Have fun.  Do silly things.  Don't be afraid to look silly.  Love even more.

This is a rather long list, right?   It may get longer as we wander through this life together.  I think you are all up to the task and well on your way to learning everything on this list.   It will never be complete because you will always be learning.  It will keep you motivated.

I love you boys.  Through the laughter, the love, the pain, the sadness, the challenges, and the joyous parts of life, I will love you.  Dad too.   He's awesome.  You are all awesome.

(I still prefer to go by Mommy)


  1. Sara, I loved, loved, loved reading this list...and plan on sharing with our boys one day too! So sweet!! Hope you are all doing well!

  2. Hi Sara. Visiting for the first time. What a lovely post. I really should write a list like this for myself and my kids aswell. It gives you perspective on what your real goals are as a parent. Excellent! About teaching crochet to your kids. I might write a blog post about this as many have asked. Shortly I think following ingredients are important: non splitting thick yarn and big hook to use. Patience. I mean PATIENCE. Go slow. Do the baby talk " one apple plus one apple equals TWO apples" when giving instructions. The more per-school leveled you are in your instructions the better. Praise every stitch made. Encourage and explain that crochet does not have to be perfect, with practice the good looking stitch will appear. Just like that first Ollie on the skateboard and it will feel great. Ask questions like " What is front and what is back?" Instead of telling, that helps the person think and understand hands on when you later explain how they can see it. Star with a chain, continue with a single crochet stitch and later the double crochet stitch. Let them make a long wobbly worm and keep it as a memory. Later you get your ands on the granny square.

    Well, good luck. I'm sure you will do great. See you around and thanks for visiting and dropping a line.

    My Rose Valley